Quien es mas macho?

Here it is, week 11 of the 2009 NFL season, and Mumia Abu-Jamal still sits on death row, sent there by the hetero-normative white patriarchy that runs our criminal INjustice system.  Even more INjust is the fact that Bill Belichick was unable to challenge an obviously sexist call made by a cadre of corporatized old white men on fourth-and-one last Sunday, because he had to burn all of his timeouts slowing down the gang rape that is the Colts’ hurry-up offense. ‘No’ means ‘No’!  This was a real shame, because Abort for Africa—a womyn’s collective that knits scarves and sells them to fund free abortion clinics in sub-Saharan Africa, and of which I am the only openly male member—had this entire quarter’s earnings down on the Patriots to win at 1.5 to 1.    Unfortunately, Dick Cheney and Donald Rumsfeld’s next rape safari to Rwanda will not be countered with the free gynecological care, family planning services, and penis fly traps that this worthy charity provides.

Speaking of Mumia, I will be organizing a candle light vigil outside of his penitentiary tonight, demanding that he be released immediately and instated as the starting running back in Miami.  INjust or not, he must be just ripped after 28 years in prison.  Practice your chants now.  If our voices are not heard, silenced by the phallic batons of anti-speech shock troops, I suggest you put your money down on Carolina to cover 3 at home versus Miami.  Miami lost Wildcat martyr Ronnie Brown to an ankle injury/endemic institutionalized racism , and I think that gives the Dolphins a bleaker outlook than real dolphins or wildcats.

Sex is about power and violence, and so used to be the Baltimore Raven’s defense.  Not so anymore.  I think that Peyton Manning will penetrate early and often, and then flee to the sideline in the second half, shrouded in the silence of his rape culture enabler teammates and coaching staff.   It’s a safe bet that Indy will cover 1 on the road in Baltimore.   A sure bet is that the Baltimore defense will be told it was ‘asking for it’, and then be ridiculed and marginalized for coming forward.

I think Arizona will cover 9 at St. Louis because several of the Cardinals’ key players have dread locks, and in Rastafarian culture, power is derived from the length of one’s dreads.  Sure, Rastafarianism is exceptionally patriarchal and xenophobic, but it’s their culture and we can’t judge it.  In fact, we need to respect its beliefs more than those of our own cultures.  This is the only path to true understanding.  We can, however, judge the St. Louis Rams to be a horrible, horrible team.  Their culture is one of losing and losing big, and I think that tradition is kept alive for at least one more Sunday.

Those are my picks for this week.  I hope you win some money, even though all money is rape and capitalism is the biggest gang rape ever known.

Owning a football team means you are sweet. Being able to pull off wearing a powder blue suit means you are sweet. Flipping people off is sweet.

Doing all three things at once means you are pretty much a master.

Found here and sent to me by my buddy Jasmyn

Traditional family values will win out over the sodomists from Seattle this Sunday.

That Arab foreigner in the White House sure has muslimed up the prospects for a happy holiday season this year.  I was hoping to give my girl the H3 Hummer for Christmas, but thanks to the vaccine shortage and jobless economic recovery, it seems more likely that I’ll be giving her the H1N1 virus!  Swine flu!  Also, I don’t know about you, but with the specter of socialist death panels looming, I don’t feel comfortable spending my rock-hard-earned cash on an expensive Butterball turkey this year.  Maybe we all ought to get together in the spirit of Thanksgiving and roast us up a big, black, gay Muslim foreigner turkey instead!  Tea bags!! Double exclamation points!!!  Anyway, before we go FULL commie and Obama builds a new Berlin wall betwixt us and freedom*, we better get our bets down for the Week 10 NFL action!!!!

I like Tampa Bay plus 9.5 points at Miami.  Tampa just put up 38 points against Green Bay at home, and now they are traveling just a few miles down the road to play a Miami team that likes to run a lot, and has put up less than 20 points in 3 out of 7 games this year.  And if they travel down the God fearing, Cuba hating I-75 corridor to get to Miami, I think God will bless Tampa Bay and smite all the sodomites in Miami.  Put it this way, Charlie Crist is a Dolphins fan, while Rubio loves Tampa Bay.  Need I say more? All politics is local!

I am picking New Orleans to cover 13.5 at St. Louis.  I am conflicted about the Saints.  On the one hand, they have the best offense in the NFL and are named after Christians (well, okay, Catholics.  At this point, Christ will take who he can get!).  But on the other hand, they hail from a modern day Gomorrah full of whining minorities.  We got hit with a hurricane! Boo-hoo!   Half of our citizens exist in a state of chronic third world poverty! Waaa!  We can’t get interracially married! No fair!  Suck it up New Orleans.  You have national treasure Harry Anderson living in you, it can’t be THAT bad.  I would KILL to have any Night Court alumni living inside of me, even Marsha Warfield.  Also, Rush Limbaugh was just denied his Jesus-given right to own the Rams while being racist.  This, coupled with the fact that the Rams once released Christian Field General Kurt Warner has forever marred the franchise, so bet against them please.

Speaking of the aforementioned Bush Ranger Kurt Warner, I like his Arizona team to cover 9 at home against Seattle.  Kurt Warner’s passes are like angels descending from heaven, delivering messages of hope and freedom into the arms of his black receivers.  Oh, sorry, African American receivers.  Anyway, these articulate negroes score touchdowns at will with the help and guidance of their white overseer Warner, and I think they will cover against a gay civil union-condoning Seattle team that is weaker on Defense than Dennis Kucinich.

Pick of the Week

I love Indianapolis to cover 3 at home against New England.  Ironically, the Patriots’ dominance died along with that traitor in their midst, Red Ted Kennedy.  While Bush donor Tom Brady has showed enough signs of life of late for me to be violently opposed to his murder at the hands of abortionists were he a fetus, the real ‘Party of No’ has been the Colts’ pass defense, which leads the league with only 4 TDs allowed so far this year.   I think they contain Brady like Eisenhower and Nixon contained Communism, and Peyton Manning brings down the wall like Reagan and Bush 41.  Also, Evan Bayh is the only even remotely not French Democrat, and I’m not sure John Kerry even speaks English, so you gotta go with the Indiana team on this one I think.  Also, since Manning had the good sense to leave New Orleans before he was tempted by the devious pleasures of man-rectum and beignets, I think he will also have the good sense to go to well-behaved, not uppity Reggie Wayne early and often which will lead to success.

There you have it.  Make your bets, and then use your winnings to buy Going Rogue for that special someone in your life.  Or maybe just save up for your kids’ college fund unprecedented tax burden.  Hoo-rah!!!!!

*He should save those commie eastern blocks to build a wall between us and the Mexican and drug dealers who come to this country and steal good, minimum wage fruit picking jobs and have sex with our teenagers!  Minutemen!

(Sorry this is the wrong video, it’s the making of the sequence I discussed, if I can find the finished product I’ll put it here)

For something like 20 years now Hank Williams has been working for Disney/ABC/ESPN redoing weekly versions of “all my rowdy friends are coming over tonight” as the intro to monday night football.  He made a pro Mccain/Palin version of the song last November also.  Along with “I’m proud to be an American” it’s maybe the unofficial anthem of our country.

I watched the opening yesterday and was blown away by it.  What happens is that HW is performing on stage in a museum of some kind (the pro football hall of fame?).  At the end of his song he plugs two cables into each other and this causes two gigantic CGI-stone football player statues on either side of the stage to come to life.

They smash into each other and out of the ensuing explosion two football helmets with the logos of the teams that will be playing tonight burst out of the statues discarded bodies like snakes coming out of their skins.  Then the helmets break through the roof of the museum and fly into space where they are observed by an astronaut on a space station.

The helmets come back to earth and are now gigantic in size and hovering over Gillette stadium outside Boston.  They face one another and pull away from another and you can´t help but feel a sense of dread for that terrible moment as the helmets hang there in space.

Then of course the helmets smash into each other, exploding again and showering the fans at the stadium with cgi debris.  Is there anything more that the producers could have done?  Could they have possibly given us more?  They presented this sequence of conflict, death, rebirth, space travel, and then violent conflict to the point of annihilation and then symbolically showered the audience with the ashes born from the explosion.

It’s like the Aztec rituals you read about it history books isn’t it?

Then answer this question that Phil and I have been arguing about: Did Jesus tap?

Discuss…

The Chiba Lotte Marines are using these retro movie-style posters depicting the home team defending the city from attack by villainous monster opponents.

See more at the always awesome Pink Tentacle!

About fifteen years ago when I was just a kid, I watched Mutombo lead a really shoddy Denver team to a playoff upset of #1 ranked Seattle.  He fell to the floor in joy.  It seemed impossible.  When I hear “Mutombo crying on the floor” or even “Mutombo” this is what I’d like to remember, not that first pic.  I found out you can donate $5 to his foundation by texting “congo” to 90999,  so I did it.  I’ll be sad when everybody who I watched as a kid is gone from professional sports with hobbled knees.

More (and better written) Mutomb-preciation c/o Complex, Can’t Stop the Bleeding and The Houston Chronicle.

Every year for 9 years has been an exercise in lowering expectations, only to have those lowered expectations lowered again and then again and then again every year. Why do I continue to subject myself to this? What possible benefit can come in me watching basketball games, reading about the team, going to games on the rare occasions that I’ve had the chance to go to Madison Square Garden and devoting a small piece of my brain to the Knicks, who always fall short?

I even supported ex-Knick Bill Bradley in his presidential primary vs. Al Gore, despite the fact that he has creepy eyebrows. He also fell short. Part of my brain cares, even though I don’t know any of the players on the team personally and they’ll all be gone by the time the Knicks start to win anyways.

Maybe I should just quit entirely and give up following basketball and get on with my life. You know, put away childish things and devote the freed up time and energy to write a novel, bake a cake or volunteer for Amnesty International.

At what point should one give up caring about something when all he gets in return for caring is pain? Also, is the plight of the Knicks fan really that bad or am I just whining?

(p.s. this is a new category I made, it’s for real talk about sports. If you would like to contribute, let me know. If you hate reading anything that even mentions any sports, then feel free to ignore this and stay tuned for the debut of the next section, Very Serious Beetle Bailey, which will consist solely of analysis of everyone’s favorite newspaper comic strip. I’m not playing around either.)