a very serious answerAnswers #3
As I’ve said before I can see the search terms that bring people here. I answer their questions so that if the people ever come back, they’ll find what they’re looking for. No no! Don’t thank me, the knowledge that I’m doing the right thing is reward enough.
Should I pee in the ocean?
Of course! It’s probably the best possible place to urinate, ecologically speaking. The ocean is maybe 30% fish piss anyways so don’t worry about it, it’s the circle of life. I can’t think of a better place actually. The one problem is piss-sharks, that’s the colloquial term for them (down south “tiburones de orina”). These are predators who can smell urine in the water and prey on sea mammals. The media blows them up out of proportion though so don’t worry about them either. Oh and for men, the sea creatures that swim up your urine stream and into your urethra to lay their parasitic eggs
Where can I find naked flight attendants?
This one confused me. I don’t understand the appeal, once the flight attendants have disrobed, don’t they just look like naked girls? Couldn’t you just find some pics of Aria Giovanni or what have you and then imagine that she’d just taken off a stewardess uniform? The whole point of stewardesses is their outfits! Are you looking for pictures of redheads with their heads shaved bald? Off-duty nurses? Plainclothes policewomen?
Wouldn’t you rather see them partially-clad, with their aviator style caps still on or their wing-pin-decorated blouses undone but still visible? And what fetishist is looking for “flight attendants” instead of “stewardesses” anyways? From the name alone, I think a good starting point would probably b
How do I choose a baseball team?
In most cases you have a baseball team thrust upon you and don’t have a choice. My dad used to take me to Shea stadium when I was a kid so I always like the Mets. My friends Peter and Tarita buy their baby son Giants jerseys and sippy cups so now the logo will be imprinted on his brain his whole life. If this didn’t happen to you, my advice is to choose the National League team that plays closest to you. Being a fan of an American League team is really gross and if you have kids it could be awkward explaining to them that why you prefer the AL game to real baseball.
If you are far from any NL city or are equidistant from all of them cause you live on the Moon or in China, become a Braves fan because they’re on cable tv more than Hard Target. Don’t go by the team that has the best colors because that’s Pittsburgh and they lose every year.
If this question was being asked by a free agent who wants to know where to sign, I say go to a midlevel market where there isn’t the pressure that they have in NY or Boston but where they can still afford to pay you.(6)
These are answers to things real people searched for on google that led them here. If they ever come back, their answers are here waiting for them.
Q: Do you have any flat-top stories about Puerto Rican barbers?
A: Right before leaving NYC on a long bicycle trip I helped my friend Alexa move into her apartment. I felt the need to get a haircut and since I was in Bushwick and not Queens I couldn’t go to a black, Russian or Bangladeshi barber like I usually did so I went to a Puerto Rican barber. There were sexy pictures of J.Lo on the wall which distracted me from what was being done to my head. He gave me the dreaded champiñon “mushroom cut”, which looks OK on Puerto Ricans but not on me cause I have a big round head.
The barber was physically unable to give any haircuts that didn’t look like that. A couple days later I ended up just getting in touch with my Cubano side and shaving my head like Pit Bull with the Wahl clippers.(3)
By looking through the search terms that bring people to veryserious.org we can find out what people really want to know. Here are some of the questions and searches by real people this week, answered by me.
Q: What does prisencolinensinainciusol mean?
A: “Universal Love”
Q: What are brokencyde shoes?
A: These, order now to make sure they are under the tree by Christmas.
Q: What is the term for getting a blow job while taking a shit? (more…)(2)