These are answers to things real people searched for on google that led them here.  If they ever come back, their answers are here waiting for them.

Q: Do you have any flat-top stories about Puerto Rican barbers?

A: Right before leaving NYC on a long bicycle trip I helped my friend Alexa move into her apartment. I felt the need to get a haircut and since I was in Bushwick and not Queens I couldn’t go to a black, Russian or Bangladeshi barber like I usually did so I went to a Puerto Rican barber. There were sexy pictures of J.Lo on the wall which distracted me from what was being done to my head. He gave me the dreaded champiñon “mushroom cut”, which looks OK on Puerto Ricans but not on me cause I have a big round head.

The barber was physically unable to give any haircuts that didn’t look like that.  A couple days later I ended up just getting in touch with my Cubano side and shaving my head like Pit Bull with the Wahl clippers.

Q: Is J-Woww Spanish?

A: See Joe, this is what happens when you start talking about Jersey Shore here. I haven’t seen the show but from the fuss the Italian-American Anti-Defamation league makes about it, I figured the entire cast is Italian-American. By the way for those of you from California: In NYC, “Spanish” means Puerto Rican or Dominican. I know it doesn’t make any sense at all.  Why do you park in a driveway but drive in a parkway, etc?

Q: What are some high-status baby names?

A: Freakonomics has a chapter about this. The gist of it is that the specific names change every year so picking a high status name like hitting a moving target. When you read the chapter in the book, they give the impression that names don’t matter that much. You asked though so let’s figure it out.

Names experience “prole drift” so one generation’s Stanford applicant has the same name as the next generation’s stripper. Personally I think it’s a bad idea to give your daughter a perfume name like Desire, CoCo, Cool water, Baby Soft, Violetta, Lovely by Sarah Jessica Parker or Gucci or anything with multiple consecutive X’s in it.

Just name her after a character in a book by Jane Austen or Laura Ingalls Wilder.  Any name in one of those books is guaranteed to have a sheen of middle class respectability. For a boy I think the thing to do is look at the the list of Super Bowl MVP’s and then name him after whichever MVP played for the team closest geographically to the city you live in.

Q: How should the Senate work?

A: The Senate should be reformed. It’s already undemocratic with California’s 50 million people getting the same amount of representation as Wyoming’s 500,000.  I would change it to make it even less democratic but more representative, like the council of estates they used to have in medieval times where one person represents the church, one person represents the cobblers guild and so on.

The members would not be elected. They’d represent the people totemically. Here’s who would be in the Senate.  If the current holders of these titles are not American citizens, then the post goes to the most recent American winner:

1. People magazine’s Sexiest man of the year
2. Miss America
3. the most recent Super Bowl MVP
4. current WWE champion
5. most recent winner of American Idol
6. most recent winner of Top Chef
7. whoever won the most recent Grammy for singing the “song of the year”
8. The kid who wins the Scripps National Spelling bee
9. the current NASCAR points leader
10. the top rated American chess player
11. the most recent 100 million+ lotto winner
12. the most popular morning drive radio personality
13. any Americans who won a Nobel prize that year (including for literature)
14. most recent American Best Actor Oscar winner
15. most recent American Best Actress Oscar winner
16. whoever is the top of Forbes richest American list
17. The winner of the annual hot dog eating contest in Coney Island
18. Esquire magazine’s current “sexiest woman in the world”
19. The current Teacher of the Year
20. The most recent Kentucky Derby winning jockey
21. The author of the book that spent the most weeks at the #1 spot of the NY times bestseller list
22. Reigning Playboy Playmate of the Year
23. Sports Illustrated’s sportsman of the year

I could go on and on but you get the idea, it would turn the Senate into a way to reward the best of the best.  Did I leave out any people that should get into the Senate?

Q: Should I wear sweat pants or jeans for a job interview?

A: Think about it for one G.D. second. Are you applying for a job as a wide receiver or a ranch hand?

Q: Should I wear sweats to the strip club?

A: Yes, when you get a lapdance it will be better. I also advise you to wear sweatpants made out of some kind of newfangled thin space age material and not the bulky kind.

Q: Where can I find sweat pant hot dude?

A: Do you want to find a picture of a hot, sweaty panting dude or do you want a picture of a hot dude in sweat pants? I can’t really help you until I know.

Q: Do you have any pictures of the mc-1275 before and after?

A: Before I got my mc-1275 heavy duty steam cleaner, my apartment was so filthy I wouldn’t want to take pictures. The place was disgusting believe me especially the mold in the bathroom. The problem is that I’ve moved out of that apartment so I can’t show you any after pictures either.

Q: Who sings “I want to get you pregnant”?

A: R. Kelly

Q: What is a glove handjob?

A: It’s a regular handjob except the hand is wearing a glove. What kind of glove should you wear while manually stimulating yourself or someone else?  I think the list, in descending order of preference goes like this:

-full length opera glove
-lace glove
-the glove that britney spears had in the “toxic” video which only covered her fingertips
-the glove that was used as evidence in the OJ Simpson trial
-a left handed glove being worn on someone’s right hand
-a latex glove
-fingerless synthetic bum glove
-yellow dishwashing glove that’s seen a lot of use and isn’t quite yellow anymore
-catcher’s mitt
-mitten
-”hulk smash” hands

If you think my order is wrong or I left one out, let me know in the comments.

Q: What is the best field to go into if have a BA in Sociology?

A: Go out to a cornfield and think about how you’re going to pay back your student loan!  I never understood people who majored in Sociology in school. Had they ever met someone with a Sociology degree who was really going for it thanks to that degree? Nevertheless the damage is done and you’ve already graduated and have debt to pay off. You should look for a career in social work or gloved handjobs.