16 comments so far ↓

• 1 Kimio // Nov 23, 2009 at 10:36 am

  Probably an ostrich. They’re delicious, and easily tricked.

• 2 dav // Nov 23, 2009 at 10:51 am

  This is my favorite Very Serious question of all time. Does Big Bird count? Probably not, because he is a puppet and not a real bird. Ummm, I guess a penguin. That would be fun.

• 3 jon // Nov 23, 2009 at 10:51 am

  I would go with a Falcon. Hopefully it would finally get me to take up Falconry as a hobby.

• 4 Tiffany! // Nov 23, 2009 at 11:38 am

  Having spent time growing up in various bird-friendly homes/ farms, I can say that I would not have the following:
  1)Rooster- It’s all good when they know what time to give the wakeup call, but guess what? They aren’t that clever. They pretty much just crow all the time.
  2)Doves- They really do cry. ALOT. Total “tittybabies”
  3)Parrot- they don’t shut up, and repeat the same old lines even if they have a great vocabulary.

  I would probably choose a barn owl, to whom I would give in-door/out-door privileges. They are beautiful, clever and don’t need to be all up in my business all the time like other birds. Plus, I could train my owl to send messages and use the makeshift owl-door flap which I would create in the back of the house. The way I see it, his freedom to come and go would secure food for him, so his maintenance would be relatively low-cost, and once trained to deliver messages, my post office budget would also be reduced.

• 5 jason // Nov 23, 2009 at 12:04 pm

  a vulture would be totally awesome for about an hour but i’d probably have to go with a hummingbird cuz they don’t take up too much space or make a lot of noise.

• 6 feverishpoptart // Nov 23, 2009 at 12:07 pm

  A hummingbird because they’re cute.

• 7 MissBella // Nov 23, 2009 at 12:40 pm

  HOLD ON A SECOND!

  I DO live with a bird! 2 of them actually! (used to be 5)

  Cockatiels.

  Even though they are smaller than big bird or anything else mentioned, they are loud as hell. And they are currently sitting on my cabinet and chewing off the Juicy Couture metal logo off my perfume. I’ve had them eat my homework, mail, cereal (off my plate) and everything else you can imagine.

  Did I mention that we have spent 10 years in the same house?!

• 8 phil // Nov 23, 2009 at 2:56 pm

  A mean goose that will snap at visitors.

• 9 beth // Nov 23, 2009 at 2:59 pm

  UGH! The idea of this imaginary sentence is enough to make me act very very good for the rest of the year.

  Can I chose a dodo? I would demand the crazy judge have a dodo made for me (from old DNA). My plan is, the choice of a dodo would discourage them, but they have to honor it – or at least pretend to try- because of some archaic loophole. Their discouragement or lack of a means to supply me with said dodo would mean I wouldn’t have to go through with the sentence.

  If that plan doesn’t work I chose one of the helpful, pretty birds that assist Cinderella with her chores, bathing, etc.

• 10 beth // Nov 23, 2009 at 3:02 pm

  @phil Not a duck you can train to wear shoes?

• 11 tar // Nov 23, 2009 at 4:08 pm

  A crow!

• 12 stefan // Dec 10, 2009 at 12:53 am

  A fried one.

• 13 phil // Dec 10, 2009 at 9:22 am

  You like fried pigeon? You can get it on Steinway street near my old house.

• 14 stefan // Dec 10, 2009 at 11:42 pm

  I got herpes blisters just reading your post…

• 15 sarah // Dec 11, 2009 at 11:18 am

  Birds are effing gross. If Big Bird is indeed disqualified, I suppose I wouldn’t mind cohabiting with a crow. Those dudes are badass. Subtopic: How awesome would it be to be spooned by Big Bird? Just a thought.

• 16 jake // Dec 15, 2009 at 11:11 am

  A canary. Then I’d know if deadly fumes ever built up in my home.

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