- Traditional family values will win out over the sodomists from Seattle this Sunday.
That Arab foreigner in the White House sure has muslimed up the prospects for a happy holiday season this year. I was hoping to give my girl the H3 Hummer for Christmas, but thanks to the vaccine shortage and jobless economic recovery, it seems more likely that I’ll be giving her the H1N1 virus! Swine flu! Also, I don’t know about you, but with the specter of socialist death panels looming, I don’t feel comfortable spending my rock-hard-earned cash on an expensive Butterball turkey this year. Maybe we all ought to get together in the spirit of Thanksgiving and roast us up a big, black, gay Muslim foreigner turkey instead! Tea bags!! Double exclamation points!!! Anyway, before we go FULL commie and Obama builds a new Berlin wall betwixt us and freedom*, we better get our bets down for the Week 10 NFL action!!!!
I like Tampa Bay plus 9.5 points at Miami. Tampa just put up 38 points against Green Bay at home, and now they are traveling just a few miles down the road to play a Miami team that likes to run a lot, and has put up less than 20 points in 3 out of 7 games this year. And if they travel down the God fearing, Cuba hating I-75 corridor to get to Miami, I think God will bless Tampa Bay and smite all the sodomites in Miami. Put it this way, Charlie Crist is a Dolphins fan, while Rubio loves Tampa Bay. Need I say more? All politics is local!
I am picking New Orleans to cover 13.5 at St. Louis. I am conflicted about the Saints. On the one hand, they have the best offense in the NFL and are named after Christians (well, okay, Catholics. At this point, Christ will take who he can get!). But on the other hand, they hail from a modern day Gomorrah full of whining minorities. We got hit with a hurricane! Boo-hoo! Half of our citizens exist in a state of chronic third world poverty! Waaa! We can’t get interracially married! No fair! Suck it up New Orleans. You have national treasure Harry Anderson living in you, it can’t be THAT bad. I would KILL to have any Night Court alumni living inside of me, even Marsha Warfield. Also, Rush Limbaugh was just denied his Jesus-given right to own the Rams while being racist. This, coupled with the fact that the Rams once released Christian Field General Kurt Warner has forever marred the franchise, so bet against them please.
Speaking of the aforementioned Bush Ranger Kurt Warner, I like his Arizona team to cover 9 at home against Seattle. Kurt Warner’s passes are like angels descending from heaven, delivering messages of hope and freedom into the arms of his black receivers. Oh, sorry, African American receivers. Anyway, these articulate negroes score touchdowns at will with the help and guidance of their white overseer Warner, and I think they will cover against a gay civil union-condoning Seattle team that is weaker on Defense than Dennis Kucinich.
Pick of the Week
I love Indianapolis to cover 3 at home against New England. Ironically, the Patriots’ dominance died along with that traitor in their midst, Red Ted Kennedy. While Bush donor Tom Brady has showed enough signs of life of late for me to be violently opposed to his murder at the hands of abortionists were he a fetus, the real ‘Party of No’ has been the Colts’ pass defense, which leads the league with only 4 TDs allowed so far this year. I think they contain Brady like Eisenhower and Nixon contained Communism, and Peyton Manning brings down the wall like Reagan and Bush 41. Also, Evan Bayh is the only even remotely not French Democrat, and I’m not sure John Kerry even speaks English, so you gotta go with the Indiana team on this one I think. Also, since Manning had the good sense to leave New Orleans before he was tempted by the devious pleasures of man-rectum and beignets, I think he will also have the good sense to go to well-behaved, not uppity Reggie Wayne early and often which will lead to success.
There you have it. Make your bets, and then use your winnings to buy Going Rogue for that special someone in your life. Or maybe just save up for your kids’ college fund unprecedented tax burden. Hoo-rah!!!!!
*He should save those commie eastern blocks to build a wall between us and the Mexican and drug dealers who come to this country and steal good, minimum wage fruit picking jobs and have sex with our teenagers! Minutemen!
→ 22 comments so far ↓
1
heypal
// Nov 11, 2009 at 8:13 am
i was just going to say something about how kurt warner is a nice guy… but what’s the point here?
2
phil
// Nov 11, 2009 at 9:19 am
I am calling my bookie RIGHT NOW!
Heypal, if there was a movie made about Kurt Warner, would he play himself or would he get someone else?
3
heypal
// Nov 11, 2009 at 9:54 am
no, i mean what’s the point? why the vitriol? is it because he’s a christian? because he’s white? rich? i don’t know too much about the guy except that he’s good at his job and is a nice guy. am i missing something, or is this a rant using him as a symbol of general anger toward rich white christians? is it because he’s a white quarterback in a sport where the quarterback is usually white, while other members of the team tend to be black or pacific islanders? is the narrative intended to be in his voice? because instead of opening up a thoughtful conversation on race and socioeconomic roles in sports, that would just be shitty. no matter what religion or tax bracket he represents.
but this is making me think about this, and it’s just not that important to me. also, i think ralph macchio would do a nice job as kurt, but he’s just not tall enough.
4
phil
// Nov 11, 2009 at 10:12 am
It’s not written in Kurt Warner’s voice, Warner is by all accounts really friendly and decent.
I think the hard-right football expert I hired to write football picks (who is in reality a 13 year old in Bangalore) respects Kurt Warner for his faith, accuracy and for staying with his first wife even after he went from working at a supermarket to winning the super bowl, then after that getting tossed on the scrap heap 2 more times. Meanwhile Tom Brady is more well liked by America and he leaves his pregnant girlfriend for a supermodel etc, Ben Roethlisberger is doing coke out of a human skull & Peyton Manning is a vampire.
Since you brought it up, why is it that black quarterbacks always get turned into receivers if they’re good enough to get to the NFL? Why was Warren Moon never given a shot until he broke every record in Canada?
5
heypal
// Nov 11, 2009 at 10:43 am
it’s because they’re black, phil.
6
phil
// Nov 11, 2009 at 10:58 am
But I thought winning was the most important thing. Are you saying that white coaches and GM’s will go with the white quarterback rather than the black guy at the expense of their own jobs just to prop up a race based caste system?
I know that in baseball the Boston Red Sox for all their whining about not winning for so many years have themselves to blame cause for many of those years they didn’t integrate and missed out on a lot of talent.
7
jason
// Nov 11, 2009 at 11:24 am
i bet donovan owns that book.
8
donovan
// Nov 11, 2009 at 11:46 am
I have no reason to believe Kurt Warner is racist. I do know for a fact, however, that he is either dishonest or very, very gullible. He claims to believe that a super being has some sort of control over his life, and that because he honors said super being, he is able to throw touchdown passes. I wonder what he did to anger Superman the day he lost that Superbowl with the Giants? At any rate, if you believe those things, I think you are a fair target for parody and ridicule.
Anyway, it sucks that I have to explain this, but the “Week 10 NFL Picks” post was intended as satire, written in the voice of a hyperbolic caricature of a Rush Limbaugh listener. I did this because I though it would be boring to simply give my picks with a dry explanation, so instead I decided to write something in step with the Colbert zeitgeist.
It’s fine if you thought it was not funny or whatever, but I’m not sorry if you are offended. If you want to “… [open] up a thoughtful conversation on race and socioeconomic roles in sports,” that’s cool with me. I just want to bet on some football.
9
donovan
// Nov 11, 2009 at 12:05 pm
Also, no shit, I have met Ralph Macchio. He bulked up a little. I don’t see him as Warner, but maybe he could play like, Vinnie Testeverde or somebody like that.
10
heypal
// Nov 11, 2009 at 12:18 pm
no, i’m not offended. it’s just that i met the guy recently and thought he was super nice, and didn’t read it well enough to see that teh voice making him a white overseer was not his own. i’m not invested enough in cultural issues or football to give a shit about socioeconomic/race roles in the game.
macchio looks nothing like kurt warner, i was just trying to be funny. really, it would be jim carrey.
11
phil
// Nov 11, 2009 at 12:26 pm
Macchio as Vinnie Testaverde is a good call.
OK let’s say there was a movie about NFL quarterbacks from the 80s being taken from their era by time travelling cops (kind of like the situation in The Last Starfighter) and made to go on time adventures where their football skills prove useful (like in Flash Gordon). Who would play Warren Moon, John Elway and Dan Marino? (or should there be different characters?)
12
heypal
// Nov 11, 2009 at 12:30 pm
Dan Marino would play John Elway in the wide shots, matthew mcconaughy would play him out of uniform (i think he can’t throw for shit), craig robinson would play warren moon, and andy samberg would play dan marino.
13
heypal
// Nov 11, 2009 at 12:31 pm
they’re totally going to save the princess and find the ark.
14
phil
// Nov 11, 2009 at 12:35 pm
Fuck man! I was thinking Craig Robinson in my head when I thought of a movie version of Warren Moon but I couldn’t remember his name.
I bet Samberg would play Marino as an 80′s caricature Jim McMahon and Marino would be on on the set fuming and hating it.
15
phil
// Nov 11, 2009 at 12:47 pm
They should have to put the thing (shaped like a football) in the thing (shaped like a receiver’s hands) in order to fix the space-time continuum.
Then at the end Warren Moon says “it’s time to party!” and then Marino says “No Warren, it’s time to REALLY party!” and they all start dancing, including the time lords who wear long regal robes.
Then Moon says “wait where’s John Elway?” and Elway (played by McConnaughey) is like “Guys, I think I found something here in the-space-within-the-time-between-the-seconds that’s worth more than any super bowl ring. Although I’m known for my heroics in the last minutes of the game, I want to live my life beyond time here with Princess Chronaura and will send this robot double to pose as me for the rest of my boring life on earth”.
16
heypal
// Nov 11, 2009 at 12:49 pm
also, donovan, i do think religion often makes people silly and the tenets laid out can be downright nuts. i wish it were even remotely acceptable to make fun of all religions, equally and unilaterally.
17
heypal
// Nov 11, 2009 at 12:54 pm
and then, just before the screen fades to black for the credit roll, we see a samurai in feudal japan discover, in a cave behind a mountain waterfall, something that looks disturbingly like an oblong pigskin, held together with a few white stitches.
as he turns to camera, eyes wide in disbelief, we know…
…uh oh. here we go again…
18
heypal
// Nov 11, 2009 at 12:55 pm
coming soon:
‘Timeout II, Going to the Booth”
19
jon
// Nov 11, 2009 at 1:22 pm
Seann William Scott as Jim McMahon
20
jake
// Nov 11, 2009 at 2:22 pm
Donovan, next time you should write your picks in the voice of a jihadist. I’m serious.
21
phil
// Nov 11, 2009 at 2:34 pm
I think the next time the picks should be written in “take back the night” voice, in the voice of the Chinese communist party or in the voice of a Southern Belle.
22
phil
// Nov 11, 2009 at 3:28 pm
Ben Stiller as Bernie Kosar.
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