→ 10 answers so far ↓

• 1 Juan // Apr 17, 2008 at 1:26 pm

  A couple of fights as a kid. One in defense of my sister. Another in defense of myself in Germany. I won both times.

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• 2 heypal // Apr 17, 2008 at 1:39 pm

  my best fight story is this:

  i went to see a movie at an art house theatre. it was that one with baldwin called ‘the cooler.’ some jerk next to me and his date kept jabbering and unwrapping their fucking candy canes so i gently asked them to be quiet. and they were. for 45 seconds. then they started up again.

  my wife leaned over, she was on my left, they were on my right, and said ‘could you please be quiet,’ with just a little umph in her voice.

  a moment, then the guy leans forward (his date is between me and him) and says ‘we’ll try to help you have a better movie-going experience.’ but he says it all shitty, like he’s really hoping we’ll get cancer and go to another movie. then this asshole leans back in his chair and says, kinda under his breath, ‘bitch.’

  it’s right around then that steam starts shooting out of my ears.

  it starts off slow. i’ve got a bucket of popcorn with a pack of raisinets thrown in it sitting in my lap. the movie just started so it’s full. i reach in, grab a handful, reach over his date’s head, and throw it in his face.

  then the steam comes out full force.

  ‘fuck this,’ i remember thinking to myself. then i grab the whole fucking bucket of popcorn, reach over his date’s head, and dump it on top of him.

  now this asshole jumps out of his seat and he’s got an advantage on me. he’s leaning over me and i’m in my seat. we’re in the back row and there’s like five feet between us and the row in front of us so that wheelchairs can fit in. so he throws a shitty punch that grazes my cheek and i grab his hand to keep him off balance.

  then when he goes to throw another with his other hand and i grab that one, too, before he can hit me. luckily this guy was a lefty so i could stop him the first time around with my right hand.

  right about this time, when i’ve got both his hands in mine and he’s stuck sorta leaning over me, my wife jumps out of her chair.

  ‘are you out of your fucking mind?’ she rips the lid off her full cup of coke. ‘throwing a punch at someone in a movie theatre? what kind of an asshole are you? you need to get the fuck out of here.’ and the whole coke goes over the guy’s head. because he’s leaning over me, some lands on me, but really just a tiny bit. he soaked the whole thing up.

  now the floor is slick from the coke that spilled off him. so i pull my leg in to my chest and give him one good hard blast in the sternum. he slides backward on his feet and his butt hits the chairs behind him.

  ‘he kicked me!’ the asshole shouts. i stand up now, about to throw a punch, but my wife says ‘get out of here,’ and i stand there, kind of like a fool, and wait to see what happens.

  somewhere toward the front of the theatre someone else says ‘yeah. get out of here.’ nobody likes a person who talks in the theatre.

  so he goes. tail between his legs.

  the movie wasn’t that great. not worth kicking someone, for sure, but i can’t stand people who talk in movie theatres unless i sign up for it by going to a film in oakland. funny thing is that the manager of the place (he poked his head in a little later and i went out to talk to him) told me that kind of thing happens all the time. and this is one of those little art house theaters with three screens.

  that was a few years ago and i haven’t been in a fight since. i came close a few months later, but that guy shut the fuck up. i think that next time he’ll think twice before trying to save a seat once the movie’s started.

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• 3 feverishpoptart // Apr 17, 2008 at 1:39 pm

  Nope. I grew up in bad neighborhoods too. I always say that my problem is that I’ve never gotten my ass kicked. I get really obnoxious when I drink so I can’t believe it hasn’t happened, especially since I have a tendancy to point and laugh.

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• 4 Tiffany! // Apr 17, 2008 at 1:41 pm

  two as a kid. Once defending my sister from a mean sand-thrower by the junglegym. He started it. Once defending a petite friend against an agressive flirt in junior high. The guilt of shaming two boys with my extreme fighting prowess, (oh and of hurting another human being in general) put me on a path of peacefulness at an early age.
  But seriously, don’t mess with my friends or family or I’ll use my secret weapon (the ability to cry on command) or I’ll just kick your ass.

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• 5 prof. fancy pants // Apr 17, 2008 at 3:15 pm

  every morning i fight with my prostate as to who tells who when the urine gets to start. i hate that guy.

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• 6 Jake // Apr 17, 2008 at 3:33 pm

  Heypal, I so wish I there with you so I could sneak cheap shots in on that guy. We seem to be on the same page regarding theater-talking (unless it’s one of those rare occasions where the experience is made more enjoyable by it, such as the time I saw Bad Boys II on opening day in Atlanta). Reading your story totally gave me a boner.

  The closest thing to a fight in which I’ve been anything resembling a combatant during the last decade happened in a bar in Portland, three or four years back. To make it short, A Guy and My Friend were having strong words. I was paying close attention nearby, aware of the fact that My Friend wasn’t really the fighting type (he’d never punched anyone in his life). I got distracted when a girl we were with got into it with some local girls, and and while I was watching her I heard the distinct sound of a fist hitting a face come from behind me. Without thinking twice, I forced my way through the crowd and delivered a punch to A Guy’s face. My whole posse was immediately ushered out of the bar. On the way to the hotel, My Friend revealed to me that the punching sound I’d heard had come from him punching A Guy, and not the other way around. I felt kinda bad, like we were ganging up on A Guy, but then again he was a douchebag so fuck it.

  Between around 1983 and 1996 I was in at least one fight per year. Because I’m average as a fighter, because I don’t like to physically bully people and because I generally avoid fighting people who can kick my ass, I mostly fought people with fighting abilities similar to mine. Thus, most of my fights were evenly matched, with no decided winner. When there was a definite winner, I held that title as frequently as not.

  Lifetime Highlights:

  - I once was in a drunken fight with friend a mine in which we both threw about fifty punches without landing a single one. Onlookers said it it appeared as if we were ganging up on an invisible dude between us.

  - The first time I ever went to a bar in San Francisco, I got into a fight with a wrestler-type from Santa Rosa who was talking shit about Ukiah. The most notable thing about the fight is that I should have lost but somehow won. It involved bear-hugs and multiple head-butts.

  - This isn’t really a fight, but… one time during high school when I was on the verge of blackout I punched a friend in the face a bunch of times while he stood there and took it and everybody at the party looked on. I can’t remember if it was before or after I fell into a wheelbarrow full of beer and puke. The last thing I really recall that night was every single girl at the party telling me what a horrible person I was. I woke the next morning in my underwear (no blanket) on the floor of the house (yurt, actually) of the party and looked up to see the host looking disdainfully down at me. Definitely one of the Top Three Most Shameful Moments of my life.

  current votes: 0 vote if this makes you say “real talk”

• 7 dano // Apr 17, 2008 at 3:45 pm

  Before last month it had been a few years since I got into any physical confrontation.

  Last week I broke some kid’s finger because he stole $15 in 1s from my house when he came over with my other friend. I saw the kid the next day and told him to cough it up, he tried to get out of it, I grabbed him by the throat, he grabbed my choking wrist with his hand. With my other hand I grabbed his pointer and snapped it back. He ran away.

  I was riding my bike a couple weeks ago and some jock yelled “get a car faggot” and I caught up to him at a stop light and said “Lemme borrow your girlfriend for a half hour then she can tell you what kind of faggot I am.” I took off, he caught up and tried to pinch me into the parked cars so I spit in his open window. He got out, I got off my bike, he kind of charged me so I front kicked him in the stomach and he fell down dry heaving. I got on my bike and rode away.

  A couple years ago I got jumped by 30 (no joke) Asians at the Lucky Penny in SF. It was just me and I broke a couple noses before the cops came. They threw one of those tall cylindrical ashtrays through the front window, that was cool. It was like Romper Stomper.

  I really don’t like fighting cause there’s too much to lose these days, but sometimes fools can’t leave well enough alone.

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• 8 Stefan // Apr 17, 2008 at 4:13 pm

  Haha, Jake… you’re stories were awesome. Thats why I read this frickin website…

  current votes: 0 vote if this makes you say “unnggghhhh!”

• 9 Beth // Apr 17, 2008 at 4:21 pm

  I’ve never been in an actual fight, but I did have the crap kicked out of me in 8th grade. I suppose I should have fought back, but I really dislike fights and go to great lengths to avoid them. I do, however, LOVE fight stories – and you fine people have some really awesome ones. Heypal wins – 2 points! Jake v. close second – 1.5 points! (The .5 point is for including a yurt.)

  current votes: 0 vote if this makes you say “black word!”

• 10 NateG // Apr 17, 2008 at 7:52 pm

  So the last fight i actually got into was not much of a fight, but kind of funny story…

  I was with one of my good friends and we rolled up to this bar in SC (the red, upstairs even) and met up with a couple of girls that i knew there.

  When we got there these girls had these two dudes who were all hanging on them and we showed they totally brushed them off and got up like they were not into their action at all. So of course these two dudes who were hanging on my friends get all jealous and started talking shit to my friend that i showed up with.

  Words were exchanged and one of those two dudes shoved my homies beer in his face and so i instinctually shoved that kid and threw him across the bar… then his little friend pushed me to the ground while i was not looking. Me and my friend both recovered quickly and as soon as we did these two kids run off into the crowd at the bar.

  About five minutes after they disappear into the crowd one of the two losers comes throwing punches windmill style (no joke, literally) from some part of the crowd at my buddy. This loser kid was pretty short and small and sos my buddy literally grabbed him by the face so that all of his punches landed about a foot from anything… So we like laughed at this kid who was stuck for like 10 seconds when his friend (the other loser) comes out of the crowd and gets my friend how was holding the other kid in a half-nelson. So i grab the nelson giver by the face and throw him into the bar….

  After that last throw the bar turns on the lights and chases the two losers we ran into out of the bar while leaving us at peace… that was it…

  it wasn’t really much of a fight as no one landed any punches…

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